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I have been under the rule of a 10 year old for the past few weeks, who likes to listen to music over and over again. That’ll be the same piece of music over and over again, by Mickey Mouse and friends. I’m feeling communist, so I’ll share with you what went on:
Who? Who? Who took the peanuts?
Who? Who? Who took the peanuts?
Who? Who? Who took the peanuts? Who?
And then various characters like Donald Duck & Co. will refute the accusations that they took the peanuts. What I want to know is: who wants the peanuts? Why is it important to have them? When were they obtained? Who owned them originally? When were they lost? Are they worth anything? Were they insured with a special clause? Was a dead body found nearby? Was a weapon found? Was there sinister music playing? Who are the likely suspects?
Now if this was a CSI episode Grissom would have got his team in: bagged and tagged the evidence, found and questioned witnesses, drawn up a suspect list, brought them in for questioning and before you can say ‘Sherlock Holmes’ the job is done.
But obviously in the world of children, you can ask everyone nicely if they stole your peanuts without the fear of needing to screen the f-word from the people you meet.
The humidity is 99%, you can almost grasp the air in front of you and wring the water out. It also doesn’t help that I am halfway up a mountain, surrounded by forests (populated by shrieking monkeys, squeaking insects and chirpy birds). I am visiting my grandparents a second time, and am being treated to an English poem read out by my cousin who when I last saw him was 700% shorter and didn’t speak a word of Cantonese let alone English.
The poem is all about being a picky eater, but I am hearing almost none of the words, I catch the odd word: Wheat, carrots. But apart from all of that I’m not catching much, my cousin doesn’t sound like himself, he’s obviously trying to imitate the teacher, who I think is not a very good teacher. What’s worse than monotone? High pitched monotone.
I’m thinking about the sacrilege I have seen today where a Sesame t-shirt with Elmo on, has Mickey Mouse written over the top. There is no shame for copycats. I’m lost in thought until I realise they are asking me to pass judgement on the pronunciation of a word.
“Is it peanus? It’s peanus isn’t it?”
I have never in my life tried so hard to:
a) control my face in laughter
b) control my horror at such an innocent looking word and
c) control the situation at hand as mother and son argue over the pronunciation of ‘peanuts’.
The weather is getting troublesome, it’s constantly raining and the humidity is around 95%.
But that’s not what’s bothering me, what’s bothering me is the toilet. For those of you who are of weak of heart, please avert your eyes now. However, for those toilet watchers, read on.
The toilet looks like any ordinary western toilet. It has the bowl, it has the seat, it has the lid, it’s finished off with that chrome looking flusher handle that does the greatest thing there is, it takes your output far far away from you. But this toilet is different. It first fills up with water, so the water level rises until you think it’ll all spill out of the top of the rim. Then when everything is happily floating, it lets rip and everything disappears like a tornado out the bottom. This sicko gives you an eyefull before pulling it away, it’s been some time since a toilet has given me the heebie jeebies.
I awoke this morning following my extra long day yesterday: 18 hour travelling followed by another 17 hour day as arrived at 08.30am. After a good sleep and a hearty breakfast (beef fried rice and weird English tea – chinese style) my Cantonese flowed more coherently, I remembered words better and my accent became less anglicised. A short shopping trip ensued at Jusco where I entered TrendyLand, a shop filled with all sorts of Disney stuff like Winnie the Pooh keyboards. I’ve even bought a Hello Kitty head and received a Winnie the Pooh loo roll holder.
Product of the day has to go to: Rasonic – which was strategically placed next to the Panasonic goods.
“Dans tu d’ bee” – No, it’s not French, it’s what I heard from a really cheesey Chinese pop music video (otherwise known as C-Pop). Let us all “dance to the beat” . . . NOT.
Today I met the toilet at my uncles. In Hong Kong, finding a clean toilet is like finding that needle in the haystack, although I have to say this time around, they’ve really cleaned up their act. And now to the most important part, how does the flushing? It flushes like a real toilet should, hurray!
On other news: Hurricane Pearl is coming.
The integration has begun my friends.
On landing, I have been given 2 warnings:
- Do not rush into the tube when the doors are about to close; it’s dangerous and it’s illegal now.
- Give a wide berth to old men with walking sticks, the majority of them are secret perverts, but I guess it’s not much of a secret now.
On another note: having gone through 20 years of education, I’ve landed myself into a country where I am illiterate . . . genius!
On more further note: I’m being kareokied to death (without my participation).
Footnote: I’m sleeping on the floor . . . nothing new then.
Please note author has been sleeping on the floor since the beginning of the year.
It’s an early start: short trip to Amsterdam and then an 11 hour trip onto Hong Kong. That’s eleven hours on a plane, eleven hours without tending to natures call, eleven hours of boredom equating to 22 enormous yawns. *yawn
Apparently, we’re just in time for some nice typhoons. WooHoo!!
I recently moved home. We have mail boxes. On opening my new mail box I discovered half a bin liner worth of letters, menus and other advertisements from the past year during which the property was empty. The competition was between British Gas and TV Licensing. I’ll break it down for you, this is British Gas:
1. April: Welcome new customer
2. May: You owe us money
3. June: You still owe us money
4. July: Welcome new customer
5. August: You owe us money
6. September: We’re taking you to court
7. October: Welcome new customer
Mysteriously, the bills suddenly ended.
This is what TV Licensing spends it’s budget on, chasing empty properties:
1. Did you know it’s illegal to watch television without a licence? Pay Now!
2. You DO know it’s illegal to watch tv without a licence right? Pay Now!
3. Excuse me, we think you might be watching without a licence, you know it’s illegal? Pay Now!
4. You know, it REALLY is illegal to watch without a licence, Pay Now!
5. Okay, we’re going to pass your details onto our enforcement officers who are going to come around and check on you. To stop all this happening, Pay Now!
6. We’re going to pass on your details now, you better cough up, we’re not kidding around. (You must be kidding, it’s taken you 8 months to get to this stage)
7. Okay, we’ve passed your details onto our enforcement team, you better pay!
8. Our law enforcement officers are coming, you better pay now!
9. [Two Months Later] Our law enforcement officers are going to come any day now. To stop this you better pay.
10. [One Month later] We told you we’d come, but you weren’t in. Sincerely, tv licensing enforcement officer. (No shit Sherlock and I missed all this?)
11.[Finally Today] You do not have a valid TV licence … we’ve had no response from you … we suspect you of wilful evasion of payment … it would be wise of you to take steps to avoid this … we have sophisticated equipment to catch people … we can come evenings and weekends … they can apply for a search warrant to enter your home … avoid all this by paying by telephone, paying online, paying with information on the reverse of this letter.
I Foo King WILL NOT PAY!
I DO NOT WATCH television.
I CAN LIVE WITHOUT ONE!
For those who are weak of mind and do not want to pay, these letters are very persuasive in getting you to pay even if you don’t need to. And the fact that somehow it’s not their fault: “we have still had no response from you,” and so many choices to pay, I can see some people just paying to stop this onslaught of SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!
So I called up, now they want to send somebody around, be my guest, but I’m not going to be in the country! “Is this legal?” I asked referring to the WE COME TO YOUR HOME statement. The guy does a split second pause and then answers a yes. I do not believe him, he sounded doubtful, but I wasn’t going to take it out on this kid. How it is legal for them to walk into your home without being asked is beyond me. Even a policeman asks. What makes TV Licensing so macho. Have you seen their website? All those silly stories about people who evade paying and excuses about using the TV as a heating device but not watched. I AM NOT STUPID! I haven’t invited them, I haven’t said the words, “Oh please, do come in and check that I am not watching television. Is that one sugar or two with your tea?”. If they come charging in, I’m going to have them arrested for: invading my home, causing unnecessary distress and rage and that new act they’re passing/passed about unwanted junk mail.
